She sat quietly, eyes watering, tightness in her chest, and stared out the window of the plane. Her emotions were raw. It had been a roller coaster for the last year, but that wasn’t new to her. She rode that roller coaster often. Not as many of those huge drops anymore, just the ups and downs of regular life. So many milestones missed, so many things that would have made her daughter so happy. The milestones are those her son was meeting as he moved through life without her. He was almost two when she died, so most of his life had been without her. Just recently, he graduated from High School and had made the decision to join the military. A few weeks after graduation, he left for Marine Bootcamp at Parris Island.
She could see her daughter’s face clearly as she imagined the delivery in the bright lights of the Operating Room. Since she was a nurse there, she got to witness his birth and it was a joyous day. He was healthy and beautiful and loved in every way. There were no words to describe it beyond magical. The smile on her daughter’s face stretched ear to ear as did his dad. When he was placed in her arms, she looked at me with a joy I’d never seen. This was her dream since she was able to speak and now it had been fulfilled. It was a miracle for all.
Her heart was racing, she felt the intense emotion that was usually reserved for private time, home alone, in the car, in the shower, the moments no one knows about after 16 years. It frightened her because it had that intense pain she’d felt in the beginning. She felt it directly in her heart as it was breaking once again…she should be here at his graduation on the front row, smiling again ear to ear as she watched him become a Marine. Of course, that is a dream now, so his Mimi will pull it together and be there to watch him with the pride he deserves.
Her breathing slowed, her heart stopped racing, her eyes stopped tearing and she took a deep breath. Maybe her daughter couldn’t be here physically, but there was no doubt she brought her along, tucked deep inside her heart where she always carried her.
Life after loss is still life, whether we like it or not. There are good times and bad times and times in between. After profound loss, it is as if you have been catapulted into another world. Your world doesn’t look anything like it did prior to the loss. You don’t look like you did before the loss nor do you feel the same. You can’t. No one can lose someone they love so deeply and not be changed forever. Grief is an uninvited guest to an unexpected party. We don’t want to feel these emotions, but we can’t control it. It hurts and it hurts bad. It’s a pain you could never imagine and consumes every ounce of your energy, your thoughts and your ability to cope. It is brutal. You are sure you can’t survive and maybe you’re not sure you want to. It has nothing to do with the rest of your life or those you love, but everything to do with the pain. Your vision is blurred, your thoughts are skewed, your heart hurts. You don’t know how to proceed, the only path you knew has washed away.
What now is the question that eventually surfaces. When will it surface, no one knows. It is different for everyone just like your grief is unique, your healing is unique. There is no “one size fits all”. What works for one may not for someone else. I do believe you reach a crossroads where you have to make a choice. Do I let grief steal my life or do I fight to get to a better place? Do I stay put with these cement shoes or do I start slowly taking steps forward? You and only you can decide. People can walk with you, but they can’t take the first step for you.
Going forward doesn’t mean “getting over it” or “moving on”. Those are ridiculous statements. You never do either one of those, but you do learn to carry it in a different way. It takes time and patience and a lot of work and there will be times that the tears still come, the heart still hurts and the missing is unbearable, but these moments will also pass and just like the woman on the plane, you will breathe, your heart will slow and you’ll wipe away the tears and life will go on. At least that’s my experience and I hope it will be yours. Meet my Marine…
My ❤️.
Life Threw Curves-Life After Loss 