She had never felt this vulnerable before. She had never felt dependent..until now. Her mind still felt sharp, but her body was failing her. They were things that could be fixed or improved, but it still felt like things would never be the same. She wasn’t used to depending on anyone but herself. Oh she had a wonderful support system, but when it came to the everyday, she was fiercely independent. It frightened her. Before the loss of her beloved husband, everything seemed to be something that would pass. With working together and helping each other, almost anything could be overcome. She didn’t feel that way now. The feeling of being alone and needing something, anything was overwhelming. Now living alone created new and different challenges. There was home maintenance, bills to be paid, attics and sheds to declutter and memories to sort.
It was as if all that you took for granted was now screaming for attention.
Loss of a spouse is often overlooked and misunderstood. As a couple you often finish each others sentences, anticipate what the other needs before ever being asked. In marriage, you don’t even realize the connection until it disappears. Your world becomes exciting and focused on what is best for the family. If you are older, you probably look toward retirement and an easier day to day life. Many times this works out, but often things such as health problems get in the way. If you’re raising a family, it is the most difficult and satisfying thing you’ll ever do. Everyday is an adventure, filled with milestones and optimism. Sure there are ups and downs, but that’s kind of what life is, a roller coaster with twists and turns, tunnels and drops, but ultimately the goal is to reach your destination safely so you can advance to the next ride.
Think of life like a theme park. There are adventures to be had, food to partake in, animals to admire, and so many other simple things that make us smile. It is a plethora of opportunity, but what happens when the theme park closes down? All that excitement is dimmed as the lights go out. It’s like that in grief. You are going along and life seems good when all of a sudden that coaster hits a sharp turn and barrels toward the ground. If you aren’t a coaster enthusiast, you may think this is it and you’ll crash to the ground below. If you’ve already ridden your share of these exciting rides, you know that where there is a bottom, there will also be a hill to climb right after eventually taking to your destination. Some of these life experiences may be easier to manage, much like the smaller drops of the coaster. Others may seem like the bottom is too deep to ever survive.
Survival in grief is attainable, but is surviving enough? Do you want to just survive or do you want to thrive and live a full, purpose driven life? We don’t understand any of this in our early days, but eventually, we yearn for more. Many are afraid to live because it means leaving our loved ones behind. That is not possible because love never dies and if anything, it continues to grow. Sometimes it is through acts, sometimes through thoughts and memory making, but it never, ever dies. When you love deeply, you feel that loss deeply. It is a fact. Grief is your inner tube when you can’t swim anymore and when you can swim again, even then, it will be nearby if you need it.
Grief is also like that roller coaster, ups and downs, twists and turns, tunnels and drops, not knowing when they will come. Life happens and there you are in the dark tunnel not knowing if you will ever see light again. You want to get off, you’re afraid to survive and you’re afraid not to. On a coaster, you have seconds as the journey continues. In life you have, minutes and hours, days and months, maybe even years. Do you want to remain in that tunnel or do you want to come out the other side? The choice is yours to make and taking forward steps is a challenge. Staying put is a challenge also, as the world spins around you.
They call it being stuck. I call it being cautious. If I step into the light, am I leaving my loved one in the shadows or if I step into the light do I take my memories into the light with me. Life is a gift and we need to make the most of what we have left. Not always an easy task and of course it is different for everyone. Baby steps are still steps and occasionally stopping to rest on the bench is ok. There you sit with your grief before you continue your journey. Where your journey will end is a mystery, but that’s ok too. When you are ready, step forward and your loved one will be right there with you, in your heart, in your memories, and in your thoughts, because love is eternal.
Carolyn’s blog 