Feeling thankful today for simple things, like a roof over my head, water to drink and plenty to eat. I know that may seem sort of like Pollyanna, but it’s true. We take so much for granted until it’s not there. We were spared the wrath of the hurricane this week, but so many weren’t so blessed.
I’ve been struggling the last few weeks, trying to figure out who I am and where I belong and what kind of future do I have. In swept Dorian and made me realize that we are really not in control of very much. The only control we have is how we behave, how we live and how we respond to adversity. When it comes down to it, most of what occurs is out of our control.
After Lindsey died, I floundered, trying to find that new normal they call it. I sincerely dislike that term because there is nothing normal about it. Thing is, I was still a mom to 2 wonderful daughters and still a wife, daughter, grandmother, sister, friend . This time, I truly don’t know who I am. That sounds crazy doesn’t it? When you are half of something most of your life, it fits like a puzzle piece to make the picture of something wonderful. Then life comes along and that piece goes missing, making you unable to complete that picture ever again.
This is my dilemma. This picture is the only one I have ever known, so is there a different puzzle out there. Where do I find the pieces of what my life will be? How do I complete this picture? I know it’s early, but how do you not worry.
I picked up my computer last night and pulled up Facebook, expecting to see the usual, family moments, politics, people sharing their lives on social media and what I saw was humbling. There was a livestream of the Royal Caribbean cruise ship, the Mariner, and people from all over the world were side by side packing 20,000 meals to deliver to the Bahamas this morning. What a statement. There was no division among these workers, it did not matter where they worked or how much they made, they were shoulder to shoulder trying to bring comfort to those devastated by the storm. This is just one example of the outpouring of human kindness , there are many others.
I’m sure two weeks ago, the Bahamian people didn’t expect to lose their home, to lose their family, and that to get a drink of water would be a major task. I don’t know that pain and suffering and hope I never will. So when the puzzle piece is gone forever, how do you finish the picture?
I think it takes time and perseverance to figure it all out, but I believe, with all my heart, you have to take action to create change. My picture hasn’t been taken yet, so in the meantime I need to decide how I can influence the outcome.
My first action is to take charge of my health, start eating healthier and maybe even taking walks with Lucy. As the leaves change from green to the many hues of fall, the landscape changes and the picture you took of the same scene in June looks very different in October. My landscape has definitely changed and my picture will look different than I had planned. I am setting goals for myself that will maybe make that picture inviting and positive. It doesn’t erase what you miss or the love you carry in your heart, but it opens your heart to the promise of happiness again. The tough part is that you don’t know what that looks like or when or if you’ll find those pieces that fit your new puzzle.
As I stroll the maze today, taking in the fall colors, I am reminded of wonderful memories made during this time of year. The air is crisp and I know change is coming. While I’ve always had trouble with change, this one is different. The miserable summer temperatures will wane just like the raw pain of losing Rick. This will happen over time, but not overnight. What is left is the “missing” their physical presence in the world and that part will never change. I will forever miss his mischievous smile, his sense of humor, his love for everything related to being on the water and most of all his love and devotion to his family. The hint of fall shows that although it looks and feels different, it has the potential to be beautiful. I think I’ll keep walking and see what’s next, continuing to look for new pieces to complete my puzzle.
Please keep all of those affected by the storm in your thoughts and/or prayers today. Remember many are going through a storm you know nothing about.
4 thoughts on “CHANGE …”
Carolyn, you continue to inspire me with your words and insight. May God continue to bless you and direct your path as you move through your maze and find new pieces to complete your puzzle!
Carolyn, I wish I had all of the answers for you. I truly amire you for sharing your difficult journey. Please know that I will continue to keep all of you close in my heart. ❤
Each time I read your words it’s like you have taken my thoughts and feelings and put them on paper, it’s very hard to finish a puzzle when you have pieces missing, how do we do that, does the puzzle stay unfinished?
Then do we start all over again, with a new and different puzzle, hoping and praying that you don’t lose any of the new puzzle pieces, that is one of the things that frighten me, I am so afraid of losing the pieces.
I can’t shake this feeling, being afraid of losing someone else that I love dearly, I try very hard not to think that way, but I feel I have to brace myself, for what may come next.
Thank you again, I know I’m not alone
I read this twice today. Once quickly and slowly; processing the changing times. My own change came with being evacuated from Ocracoke. Doug said we never had gone through anything like that, and honestly the sadness I felt was so deep. I know now, after reading your blog it was the “change” we endured. And the sorrow of not spending the time together we had hoped to. Selfish, I suppose. Then I thought about the people in the Bahamas and now the people of Ocracoke. As you said, how we react and act is powerful. Thank you.. for centering me. I love you.